Why I hated Faith

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I hated this word most my life.  Faith.  Faith admits that “I don’t KNOW” and I always prided myself in KNOWING.  It has been really hard to admit that I don’t know anything.  Before I could admit that I didn’t know everything, but admitting that I know nothing has been a terrifying experience.  In the past, even if I knew I didn’t know, I pretended that I did, mostly to myself.  This made me feel secure, but more often it made me feel like a failure.  I didn’t realize that life does not exist as an equation. A+B does not = C most of the time, even when it “should”.  Finding this unacceptable did not change that reality.  I know very little these days, and most of what I know is subjective so when I relate it back to you, it becomes something different.  Faith admits that I don’t know.  Faith is defined as: “confidence or trust in a person or thing; Belief that is not based on proof.”  I used to only be willing to accept what I could prove as truth.  But when I looked up the definition of truth it was defined as: “that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.”  I only trusted what I could touch, see, or feel; the three dimensional world.  Faith deals with the fourth dimension.  The fourth dimension is defined as: “A postulated spatial dimension additional to those determining length, area and volume; Time regarded as analogous to linear dimensions.”  See, that is exactly why I hated faith.  What the hell are they talking about?  I could not KNOW.  What I didn’t realize in all this resistance to “faith” is that whether I acknowledge it or not, faith was inevitable.  What I mean is, no matter what, we are putting our faith somewhere; because no matter how bad we want to know….we don’t, won’t, can’t.  We don’t know what the future holds, we don’t know the answer to your problems, we don’t know what is in another person’s heart, mind, and soul.  I know my mother, but I do not really KNOW her.  I don’t know what she dreams about at night, her guiltiest pleasures, what she hopes for in the quiet hours, how she feels about her life thus far…..even if she tells me, I cannot KNOW.  Until I began to explore the fourth dimension, the unknowable, I didn’t even know myself.  Ironically, all I knew about ME in the third dimension wasn’t me at all.  For it was when I began to accept that I didn’t know that I began to see my “real truth.”  That my life was just life happening all around me.  That “my life” was simply a series of moments manifesting in accordance with all the things around me.  Life was like a beautiful symphony and each instrument was playing its part.  Back to faith.  Since we cannot know the fourth dimension, without “not knowing” or through “faith”, the question becomes not “do I have faith?”…..rather what do I have faith in?  You are an angel, and your life is a message.  You can be a messenger of lies, fear, and destruction, or a messenger of light, love, and creativity.  What is your truth?  Its up to you to find it.  For me: Life is the only truth.  It is the force that is creating all the time.  When you see this force in yourself, and you put your faith in this force, you will truly be alive.  You will hear the symphony.

 

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